Monday 24th November 2014
The last blogpost I wrote wasn’t the most pleasant and it seems weird that I would choose today, Jojack’s birthdate, to write again, but alas… it’s happening.
Today, I would have been due to give birth. I’m told that’s the point where emotions can be quite difficult. Today however, I’m in two different places. I’m sad that Jojack will never physically be part of our lives. I’m sad that we won’t get to play with him, cuddle him or get to know him. But on the flipside, we’re pregnant with Gherkin and that is something we can celebrate. We’ve reached some degree of safety this time where fears are slightly decreased, but there’s always that niggle in the back of my mind wondering whether the 2% of late miscarriages will happen to me.
I don’t ever want to forget Jojack, but I also don’t want to be so lost in Jojack, that I forget about Gherkin. It’s been a difficult 3 months. Constantly in the back of my mind has been that apprehension and fear of whether we’ll make it through the next week… or day even. But last week, I wrote in a personal journal entry that I had made this decision… a decision that I would celebrate every moment that Gherkin is with us, instead of fearing every moment that she/he may or may not be with us. Anything could happen. Gherkin may be with us for 1 week, or 30 years. We just don’t know, but it’s hard to live as though someone might be gone tomorrow. Imagine if I did that to Drew… if I clung on to him so tightly that we just weren’t able to live. We’re so overcome by what might happen that we just forget about what IS happening.
The fears are always very current and very real so it’s hard to hold those fears in tension with excitement and apprehension. And let’s face it, the very prospect of becoming parents is scary in itself eh lol.