The softening

I thought if I called this post “The softening”, it would mostly serve to give me a giggle once in a while if I say it like Aziz Ansari says “the sickening” in his series “Master of None”. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend. He’s a funny funny man, with lots of insights in to the world of being a brown guy in a relatively white world.

“By being softer, you can hear more, learn more, feel more, and love more”
– Rachel Macy Stafford

The 3rd Spring reflection is pretty rich in content. So much meat that I’m not sure I can digest it all in a single post. She begins with this…
I’ve had enough of my hard edges.
I’m tired of straining my voice.

I’m sure I could have written this reflection. I am short-tempered, I am control freak, I am impatient, I am a nitpicker, I am an over-corrector. I choose “diplomacy” over honesty for fear of hurting feelings (which probably adds to my pent-up rage). I choose not to engage in debate… until I’m alone… imagining what I would have said… or possibly even when I’m retelling the story and adding in the witty remarks I had left in my head.

The basic crux of it all is that I have some hard ass edges. Ask my husband. He probably won’t answer. In fact, he probably won’t speak a single ill word of me because he is a heart of a genuinely kind and gracious person. He is much much more than I deserve. I will be honest here though. I have raised my voice to the point of strain. I have sat in Harry Potter’s room under the stairs and wailed. I have had days where I’ve been so overcome with emotion that I have snapped… in half… then in half again. Even in front of my child. So much for being bigger, kinder, stronger, wiser. There are days when how he’s done the dishes just isn’t good enough, or how he does the laundry. It’s just not how I would do it.

So this week, I’m vowing to listen, vowing to hand over the chores and tasks and ask “How would you do it?”. I will vow to be more accepting of quirks and mannerisms, tastes and styles. I vow to stop nitpicking until it bleeds. I will vow to be kinder to my family and to myself, greeting them and me with loving smiles, regardless of what happened yesterday.
Grudge-holding only hurts us all.

Speaking of grudges, I haven’t spoken to one of my siblings properly in almost 2 years. I keep telling myself it’s not a grudge and I don’t think it is, but sometimes I’m really not sure. If you read this and you know me, maybe it’s something you can ask me about. I’m sure I’d appreciate your insight.

 

Mood: pensive
Current sounds: some white noise in the street (sounds like someone has a lot of lawn). Also Hozier’s “Better Love”.

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