Adventuring in Twenty Sixteen

2015 presented it’s fair share of challenges and celebrations. I lost 4 relatives in the space of about a month, I had a baby, I went on to be diagnosed with Post Partum Anxiety (which was probably pre-natal, pre-pregnancy anxiety too) and I quit my job.

There are a few things I’m realising as I deal with my psycho reality… everything is important, everything is not important and mindfulness is key. Sounds pretty vague I know but I struggle a lot with my own mental health. As a social worker, I’ve worked with clients who I thought were bad and sometimes I’d put myself on par with them. I lose control and I go to these dark places I don’t want anyone to go to. And it’s weird because sometimes you feel like no one really believes you, and you’re not even sure you believe you because the difference between what you behave and what you display is so huge it could swallow Antarctica.

But alas we’re working on that. Along with attending play groups and library for Miss A, I also attend a mums group with mums who have a reality similar to my own… a little on edge, displays of high functionality, yet falling apart inside, losing control and losing ourselves.

This year, I’m also pretty keen to explore a few more things that will hopefully bring about a more relaxed, less anxious, more positive, less angry, reality of sorts. Something different, something new and yet, something old and familiar, as I seek to rediscover what it is to be mum, wife and Lani.

In 2016 we are…

  • being more committed to churching with our community.
  • being content.
  • learning about positive parenting.
  • learning about positive wife-ing.
  • rediscovering sew crafts.
  • meditating and being spiritually mindful.
  • being more active.
  • eating well: organic wholefood.
  • giving time and volunteering.
  • budgeting better (help me!).
  • being intentional about couple time.
  • loving more intentionally.
  • minimizing rubbish footprint.

I’m sure that list will get bigger but for now that’s what we’ve started with. Hopefully I’ll be better at updating as I go along. I never know who actually reads these things but I do know that for the purpose of reflection, it helps having an audience whether visible or invisible.

Ciao,

L

After ages of non-food related postings…

…I think it’s time.

I’m not gonna lie. I spent about a week eating crap… and drinking whiskey. There were a few happys to celebrate and a few sads to drown. And at the end of that week, I’d earned myself an unhealthy 2kgs. This may seem pretty minor but I’m so close to the 90s I can smell it. I started at a whopping 141.7kgs. I can talk about it pretty freely these days because I’m not that anymore, but flip, that’s what I used to be. Now, I’m breathing heavily down the neck of 99.9, but then something happens, temptation calls, and Lani falls.

Alas, I’m on day 2 of my “deviation-free” journeying with my food plan.
I’ll tell you now, it’s pretty tough getting back into it when you’re on a roll with the crap eating business. Once you let that chip down your throat, the rest of the handful has gotta go down too. And then you might as well keep going since you’re already off route anyway. Stupid but true mentality. Also not gonna lie… had a mental breakdown the other day. I was totally over eating healthy food, and I threw a tantrum and told my husband that I wasn’t going to eat lunch… then I told him I was going to eat McDonalds. But then after some gentle convincing on his behalf, I took vege & cheese bake to work and ate that. I got to morning tea time and felt grateful I had lunch (thanks honey!!). Although… yesterday, some women were doing a fundraiser selling curries for a good cause. There are 19 people in my office and 3 people didn’t order curry. One doesn’t like hot food (and I’ve never seen him eat food before anyway), one is vegetarian but she was out… which left me.
Do you remember at primary school when they used to have sausage sizzle days (or canteen days or buy your lunch day or whatever)? And there was always that one kid that didn’t bring their $2?? Totally felt like that kid.

All negativities aside however, I’m actually doing ok.
I can fit a size 16 pair of jeans. I haven’t been size 16, probably since I was 16. But do you know what this means??? It means I can shop at “normal people” shops!! WOAH!!
When you’re a size 22, the last thing you like doing is shopping, because most “normal” shops only go up to 16. So it means you’re limited to the “fat people section” in Farmers, Ezi-buy, or Postie… or Trademe (which is often less depressing).
This is pretty awesome because it means cheaper shopping.

Sad news is that my consultant has moved on. She’s been pretty amazingly supportive and encouraging. Though I don’t need much. Just a good kick up the arse now and again. That said, my husband is about the best support I could ever ask for. We often talk about strengths-based practice in social work and he epitomises it.
“you’re doing amazing!!” “Oh wow!! Look at you go!!”
The guy is a bubbling ball of positivity and I love him.

Anyway, I’ve lost 38kgs now. That’s pretty amazing right?

Peace out homies,
L

 

My Food Revolution

I’m 8 weeks into a personal food revolution and I’ve lost 18.4kgs. That’s quite a lot. Some people don’t lose quite as much in such a short time on this program but usually the more you have to lose, the faster you lose it. I have a fair amount to lose before I get to goal.

Jamie Oliver did this show once on a food revolution. It was really interesting. He basically went round America and tried to change the way people saw food. The one episode that I watched, consisted of Jamie going along to a schools board meeting thing where he attempted to change what people were serving in school cafeteria’s. It was a fair call. The amount of sugar they were feeding their children was enough to overfill a school bus (he actually filled a bus with sugar too – good shock value but apparently not shocking enough). People just didn’t want to shift their ways of thinking. And I hear those people. It’s so easy to consume whatever you want because it’s simpler (and sometimes cheaper) than making your own food. And we consume without reading labels. It says it’s edible and it looks edible so it must be edible. But really, it’s got a million preservatives in it, is low in fat but super high in sugar, and isn’t going to do you much good.

So my husband and I are on our own food revolution. We’re on a journey that as I’ve said before, we’re both currently enjoying. And our goals are still the same – to be at a point where we can bike together, tramp and hike together, run together, and just be together.

Talk soon xx

Sport & Competition

I’m a little bit competitive. In fact, maybe a big bit competitive.

When we were younger, my siblings and I turned everything into a competition…
Who could say the alphabet the fastest?
Who could say the alphabet backwards the fastest?
Who could finish solitaire on the computer the fastest?
Who could text fastest?
Connect Four tournaments…
Who could write faster neater?
Who could write neater? (“mum, mum which one’s neater?!”)

Our parents raised us to get it all out on the sports field or watching rugby or league games on TV. Game day had us all sitting in front of the TV shouting. My brother and I did it at cricket matches too. Some ask how anyone could get excited about cricket, but it’s beautiful once you get to know it.

So, when my brother was 7, he joined a rugby club. When I was 9, I started with kiwi-netball. 8am starts on wintery frosty mornings = not cool. But it was where I really developed my personality. It was where I began developing a stronger sense for what was wrong and what was right. So I played netball right up until I was a teenager. It was when I was in my teens that things started going a bit more pear-shaped. My coach was acting in ways unfair and favouring players (such as her own daughter). So I wanted less to do with the sport.
And I took up football. That’s where the agro really got put to the test. I was side-lined once for swearing at a referee for making an unfair/unjust call against one of my team-mates. I was the aggressive goalkeeper who could watch everything that was happening. Sometimes I think the goalies see more than the ref. But some girl in the opposition milked a penalty for everything it was worth (and some) and ref gave it to her. Let’s face it, football is a game for the biggest of “sooks”. And the more you can milk it, the better an asset you are.

But then I stopped sport after I left highschool and started piling on the pounds. I turned into the ultimate spectator – taking in the sights of the game but staying away from the field. And I also married the most non-competitive person I’ve ever met. He’s wonderful really but I have to get the competitive juices going somehow. So I’m giving it a miss this season to get my health in balance, and next year, we’ll be all go. Yesterday, I joked with my husband about how I’ll probably get out there, get injured and pile the pounds back on haha.

As of yesterday I was down 16.8kgs.
That’s one leap closer to sporting 🙂

Make & Create

I actually just want to keep posting about food. I made this freakin’ awesome curry tonight. It was super spicy but lucky for us, we love spicy food! Spinach, tomato, spring onions and mozzarella on a salada for breakfast;  a rib eye fillet steak with bok choy, capsicum and garlic for lunch; and a delicious curry for dinner.

This whole clean eating thing is really interesting. I mean, there are most definitely limitations, like for instance, can’t eat broccoli but can eat cauliflower; can’t eat red capsicum but green is fine. But there is no limitation on creativity and I just love being able to create something from very little. The possibilities are just endless. I get in the zone and I’m all go. OH yeah and for afternoon tea, I made these little apple tarts using salada crackers. They were also freakin’ amazing.

Anyway, I have a literature review to write. Something else I should create from something…

Love & peace,

L

Food Glorious Food

I’d like to say that I’m loving eating at the moment. I feel like Drew and I eat like kings. Actual. Last night, we had these spicy crumbed rissoles, with spicy salsa and salad and it was freakin’ delicious. I wanted to take a picture and post it but that spells out everything I hate about instagram (people posting pictures of their food). This diet that I’m on is in no way restricting at all. It frees me to creative with what I make for dinner, or breakfast or lunch. And I’m so excited that my hubby can join me in that journey too. We eat amazing food.

So all that can be said right now is that I’m not missing out. I mean, I’m mourning a little bit over Hot Cross Buns, but those will still be there next year 🙂

x

New healthier perspectives

You know how you see someone for the first time in forever and in your head (or if you’re forward, you do it out loud), you say, “wow… you really let yourself go” – and we don’t mean that they look a little shabby, we actually mean they look fat? Well I’ve been “letting myself go” since I was a teenager. When I was younger, I was a keen netballer, basketballer, cricketer, and footballer. Then something happened that shattered my self-esteem even more than it already was and I just started eating (Sky TV also happened). My brother and I would come home from school and dive into an entire loaf of bread. Then we’d eat a can of spaghetti (each), and just keep eating. And when dinner came, we were still eating. Then he’d go for a run and I’d sit down and watch TV.

My parents have always commented on my size. When I was 12, they were calling me fat and when I was 16 they asked my why I couldn’t be as skinny as I was when I was 12 – “oh you were so small back then!” There was actually no winning. I love sport. I have total coordination and zero-fitness. I was good. I was good enough for A-squad netball and then I “let myself go”. Part of me wanted to. I was sick of giving a shit about being skinny. Always being told that I needed to get skinny and the more I was told, the less I gave a shit.

Then I got married. He has never once commented on my size. In fact, he loves the curves. But the more we journey together the more I realise how little I’d be able to cope if he just kicked the bucket one day at a young age. And I thought to myself, wow, if he loves me as much as I love him and we love our journey together and want more time, I need to do something. I could stroke or heart-attack before I’m 30 (and I’m 2 years away from 30). So, I went to a clinic that specialise in rebalancing my body’s hormones and they gave me an eating plan. At the 4 week mark (the last time I was officially weighed), I weighed 11.3kgs less than what I had when I started (which was a lot). I didn’t do this for anyone or because anyone told me to. I did it because I want to live longer for myself, and for my hubby and for whatever lies in our future. I mean, sure a bus could hit me tomorrow, but flip, at least I’ll have tried my hand at a healthier life.

We’ve got some pretty mean goals too. I’m looking forward to playing netball again and I’m looking forward to trying my hand at volleyball. I’m looking forward to spending less money on clothes – being able to fit sale clothes at glassons (I hate glassons and I hate their clothes (but the point is, I’ll be able to fit them!). And my husband and I would love to see the beautiful places in NZ you can only get to on foot. I’m looking forward to the tramping adventures and the beautiful things we’ll get to experience together.

It’s a little weird posting this on the interwebs but then, I’m excited about the journey. We all find it a little hard to talk about our weight-issues and all of us carry a lot more than fat, but also years of torment in being called “fat” or “ugly” or having it implied that no one would ever be interested in us… Which reminds me, when I first told mum about my new boyfriend, she responded with “oh people are actually interested in you??” Sounds like a bitch I know but she’s ok. She’s just got her hangups and they’re a bit different to mine. Also, Samoans can be pretty forward. They love joking about how fat you are. And if you cry, it means you can’t take a joke. Serious. Samoans are also really annoying when it comes to food. My dad is now telling me I don’t eat enough. Story of my life really. My cousin will vouch for it too. We spend years getting told that we need to lose weight and as soon as we visit the parentals, they make us eat… and then they make us eat some more… and then some.

haha anyway… it’s study time.

love & peace,

L