Fight Mode in Flight Mode

I’m normally a pretty relaxed person. Part of that comes from being an Islander and the other is a chunk of my personality. Anxiety throws all elements of personality out the window.

I’m currently sitting on a plane in what is my first air travel with a child. actually it’s my first travel with her. So naturally I was a little bit shitting myself. She has a mighty roar. If she doesn’t like something, she will let you and the rest of the country know about it. So naturally I’ve been super scared of the rest of the plane hating on us.

I often take for granted however, that I have one of the toughest baby’s I have ever met. Born at 10 pounds 12, she’s been sick maybe once. I only noticed this 2 days ago when someone commented that big baby’s are so much easier to look after. She is a mighty kid.

Anyway, I’ve had a mantra in my head all morning:
I am capable.
She is capable.
Fake it til you make it.

And would you believe it, she slept the entire flight. 😄


Halfway baby

We did it. We reached the halfway mark. 20 weeks down, 20 to go.

I wouldn’t be very honest if I said I wasn’t scared shitless. Tomorrow brings our 20 week anatomy scan. I’m just counting down the hours for the radiographer to tell us our baby has no arms or no brain or something sticking out of his/her neck. I know it’s hopelessly cynical but I just can’t shake the possibility. Good news however is that we heard a pretty decent heartbeat last week with our midwife. I thought the heartbeat would be hard to find beneath the heaviness of my Mt Vesuvius food baby Sunisha but nope, Gherkin is making himself/herself known.

We’ve decided we will find out what we’re having. As my dearest husband (DH – they say on all the baby forums – those things are a whole new world haha) would say, there’s something lovely about getting to know your baby that little bit more. We have decided though that we may not tell people. Not to be annoying and not coz we think everyone actually cares what our baby is up to, but things are so public these days that were pretty keen to keep something ours. Also, I like wearing blue and I like wearing pink. If we have a girl, she can wear blue too. If we have a boy, he can wear pink. Gender shouldn’t bear too much effect on my kids clothing.

Having a baby must be one of the most overwhelming things I’ve ever experienced. I was pretty darn stoked that I don’t get a period for 9 months but no one told me until recently that you get about 9 months worth of period in one hit… and then some. In all the lists of things to pack in your hospital bag that I can find on the internet, no one says anything about packing the most maxi of all maxi pads you can find. And speaking of lists, what about all the crap they tell you that you’ll probably need for your newborn baby? Furniture I can do but what is a sleep suit?? Is that the same as PJs or similar to a tiny person sleeping bag?? And what is a swaddle?? Is that something to do with how I walk?

I tell ya what… Google is both a blessing and a curse while pregnant. Every week I look up stages of fetal development and every week I read about miscarriages during that week of development. So much for celebrating each day Gherkin is with us eh?? Like I said, its a cynical and fearful and worrisome time. But if I’m not lazy I’ll tell you how many arms baby G has tomorrow.

Love & Peace,


On Jojack & Gherkin…

Monday 24th November 2014

The last blogpost I wrote wasn’t the most pleasant and it seems weird that I would choose today, Jojack’s birthdate, to write again, but alas… it’s happening.

Today, I would have been due to give birth. I’m told that’s the point where emotions can be quite difficult. Today however, I’m in two different places. I’m sad that Jojack will never physically be part of our lives. I’m sad that we won’t get to play with him, cuddle him or get to know him. But on the flipside, we’re pregnant with Gherkin and that is something we can celebrate. We’ve reached some degree of safety this time where fears are slightly decreased, but there’s always that niggle in the back of my mind wondering whether the 2% of late miscarriages will happen to me.

I don’t ever want to forget Jojack, but I also don’t want to be so lost in Jojack, that I forget about Gherkin. It’s been a difficult 3 months. Constantly in the back of my mind has been that apprehension and fear of whether we’ll make it through the next week… or day even. But last week, I wrote in a personal journal entry that I had made this decision… a decision that I would celebrate every moment that Gherkin is with us, instead of fearing every moment that she/he may or may not be with us. Anything could happen. Gherkin may be with us for 1 week, or 30 years. We just don’t know, but it’s hard to live as though someone might be gone tomorrow. Imagine if I did that to Drew… if I clung on to him so tightly that we just weren’t able to live. We’re so overcome by what might happen that we just forget about what IS happening.

The fears are always very current and very real so it’s hard to hold those fears in tension with excitement and apprehension. And let’s face it, the very prospect of becoming parents is scary in itself eh lol.

Te Whare of Earl Grey

It’s been a while since I posted anything. I guess life has been a little busy. I’m an almost qualified social worker so let me update while thinking about Maori frameworks of care.

Taha Tinana
My physical health seems to have taken a backburner in light of everything going on. While I’ve been on a journey of eating some great food, these past two months have seen some not so great food enter my mouth. It’s not been the greatest time but we’re working at getting back on track.

Taha Wairua
Drew and I have been on a spiritual journey and just recently we attended a Presbyterian gathering in Wellington full of people thinking about new ways of doing and being a church community. Drew and I were there with 2 other couples from our church gathering and it was really cool having encouraging and challenging conversations with these, our people, getting to know them a little better, and understanding them a little deeper.

Taha Whanau
When we came back to Christchurch, we brought our 6 year old niece with us. Spending time with her has been lovely. She’s a curious girl full of questions about life. But it’s really hard trying to explain DNA, chromosomes and Downs Syndrome to a 6 year old. Also, since I wrote my last post, my younger 17 year old sister came to live with us. She’s pretty cool. Drew’s been teaching her to drive and teaching her cooking skills. He’s also pretty cool.
And in other news, my best lady is getting married. I’m really really excited about this.
On the other, not so exciting, side of it all, Drew’s aunt is really sick at the moment. We’re really worried about her and Drew’s mum and grandma, and how they’re taking it.

Taha Hinengaro
How am I feeling? I guess all of the above contribute to this sense of “doing ok”. It’s been a long time since we felt really spiritually enriched and that enrichment has brought me to a place of being ok with my spirituality. It’s pretty hard to understand, but I’m in a place of contentedness. I’m in talks with an organisation about a possible job offer. After two years of some pretty hard study. This is exciting. It’s also exciting when businesses don’t actually have the position but are jumping through hoops to find money and get you to work for them, because you are someone valuable to them.

So yeah… that’s my update for now.
Shower time and meeting time, now that I’ve finished my Earl Grey.


Where has she been?

Lani has been…

* working with young people
* hanging with friends
* experimenting with parenthood (her little sister moved in)
* at the beginnings of a new relationship with an old friend
* going back to the gym
* emotionally exhausted
* in love with her flatmates and Robyn’s Harvey
* playing guitar
* writing music
* struck with writers/readers block
* listening to a lot of Paul Simon
* taking a class on Pastoral Care at Laidlaw College


attempting songwriting…

In my world full of chaos
Where bitterness breeds
Where the pain and the anguish
Shatter my peace
You are my constant
Flow like endless rivers
Breaking my motionless soul

When everyone moves
With no means to decide
When the rocks and mountains
Fall away and full blast
You are my constant
Remain like the riverless bed
Healing my restless soul

While stagnancy aches
And restlessness breaks
You flow like the endless river
While stagnancy aches
And restlessness breaks
You remain like the riverless bed

Somewhere in the chaos
I find myself redeemed
Where the pain and the anguish
Are shattered by peace
You, my constant
Flow like endless rivers
Moving my motionless soul

And now as the masses
Have parted their ways
The rocks and the mountains
Have settled in place
You my constant
Remain like the riverless beds
Healing my restless soul

life and complexities

When I was blogging away back in the day, through my years of study at what is now known as Laidlaw College, I used to have these funny moments. Every now and then, I would lament about how crap life was, in some deep reflective way that was just emo enough scratch the surface of what I was really feeling.

I’m having one of those moments…
..where life is just passing by my office window in slow motion. There’s nothing there though. It’s just movement. It’s like the thing itself is way back somewhere pushing against the wall of air to get to here.
..where life is speeding so fast, I can’t see it and somewhere ahead of me, it’s stopped teasing me. Waiting for me to catch up and be within arms reach before it speeds off again.
..where life is motionless. That is all.

I want to end this by saying “But somewhere in the midst of it all, God is there”
BUT, I don’t feel like it.